World Enough and Time

[stoutfellow]

Okay, I think I can write this now.

The short version is this: Ben doesn't have months. A few weeks, at most. The long version is under the cut.

Last night, I was messing around on the computer when I heard Ben hacking and sneezing in the living room. When I went out there, I found him standing over a small puddle of blood, alternating between sneezing more blood out and trying to lap up what was already there. (I measured the puddle later; it was about 4" by 2".) I wasted a couple of minutes on panicking before calling the vet; they told me to bring him in.

The tumor has erupted into his nasal passage. There's nothing to be done to fix it; all that's available are palliatives. They gave me a half-dozen ampules of epinephrine spray, and a bottle of pain pills - containing an opioid, to help keep him calm. That's the important thing right now: I mustn't do anything to excite him. (To spare him the long walk back home, two of the staff drove us home afterwards. They're good people at Hawthorne Animal Hospital.)

The vet very gently raised the possibility of euthanasia. I replied, "Not yet." But I know it's coming, and soon.

I spent most of what remained of the evening crying, and didn't get to sleep until almost midnight. A phone call to my sister C, the nurse, helped a little. Not enough.

In a little while, I'm going to go over to Target to buy a digital camera. I've been meaning to do that for quite a while, but the need is suddenly urgent.

Comments

[jfsnyder.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry for your pain. There is nothing I can say except that.

[jeriendhal.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. There aren't any other words.

[allyra.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. The three of you remain in my thoughts.

[gryphons-lair.livejournal.com]

((((hugs))))

It's always hard to lose a member of the family, two-footed or four.

You're in my thoughts.

[xinef.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

[kattsune.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something to make it better. If there's anything I can do, just let me know.

[al-zorra.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, honey.

So very sorry.

Love, C.

[sunlizzard.livejournal.com]

Oh, Jim. I had so hoped there'd be more time left for you two, and for a more gentle leaving for Ben when the time came.

Now I will hope--and pray--for strength for you, in the necessary decision making that you are facing.

I'm so, so sorry. I do know how hard it is. Holding you virtually-close.

~ K.

[cynthia1960.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Get that camera, and spoil Ben within an inch of his life when you're not taking pictures.

[desert-vixen.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I know that is the hardest decision to make, when to let a member of your family go because it's best for them.

I'm praying for you to get the strength you need to handle this, and for Ben.

(((( ))))

DV

[bright-lilim.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry.

[oilhistorian.livejournal.com]

I wish I could do more than simply say "I'm sorry." I know all too well how much this hurts.

[coalboy.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry. Sending hugs.

Ben

[(Anonymous)]

Jim, I am very sorry for you and Ben. I have never had to do this. Dick has,Dennis has, Ellen certainly has. It will hurt. But I know you will survive. Just think of him going to Doggie Heaven and playing frisbee, getting to know millions of new sights and smells, leaving his mark on millions of fireplugs,trees,shrubs,lampposts,steps,cracks in the sidewalk,curbs, (you get the picture). maybe making some whoopie with a beautiful afghan hound (you thought I would say french poodle didn't you). Hang in there. Dad.don

[dan-ad-nauseam.livejournal.com]

Sympathies. (hug)

[mmegaera.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry, Jim.

[neonnurse.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Things like this are so hard.

[threeringedmoon.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry.

[countrycousin.livejournal.com]

(tardy, been away) Very sorry to hear that. Poor Ben. Icky, I suppose, but I took some heart that he was trying to take advantage of the initial problem. May that spirit stay with him through this.

They do seem to be good people at Hawthorne. (and just read subsequent note)

[hornedhopper.livejournal.com]

Oh, my dear friend, I am sorry for your pain, dread, and fear. Been there and done that; wouldn't have wished it away, but it sure is hell to live through. I have just read all of your sad post and am sending waves of sympathy, comfort, and support over the ethernet to you, Ben, and Murphy, who is, no doubt, very confused and upset right now, as well.

The love we share with our four-legged or two-winged family members is probably the most pure, direct, and uncomplicated that we can experience. I'm so glad that you have had this time with Ben. I do believe - with all my heart - that our pets will be with us in heaven. As someone said, if they aren't, then it's not a perfect place.

I hope the love and companionship you and Ben have shared will be a solace during the next weeks. As your shoulder has been there for me, so is mine for you. We're here, sharing your pain and praying for you.

{{{{{StoutFellow}}}}}}

[filkferengi]

Oh, hon; that's rough. Y'all're definitely in our thoughts.

Should I call you this week?

[stoutfellow.livejournal.com]

I'm not really in need of venting at this point, but it wouldn't hurt to hear a friendly voice. Since I'm not teaching this summer, any evening is probably fine.

[kk1raven.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I hope that Ben's remaining time with you is as good as possible under the circumstances.